Harry Potter and the Evangelical Clones

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Has anyone seen this fanfiction made by a mother who wanted to take the witchcraft out of Harry Potter? She wanted her children to be able to read Harry Potter, but was afraid that if they read it as is they would become witches. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Meet the altered cast.

Harry Potter is a sweet ignored innocent little boy who just needs someone to come and rescue him. He becomes a Gryffindor which really just stands for “True Christian.” It’s a good thing too, because otherwise “Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!”

The Dursleys still pretty much suck, but now they are evolutionists who work all day and leave Harry home with a babysitter.

Hagrid is now a missionary type who wants to lead all little children to salvation.

Dumbledore is a reverend with a strong southern accent “that made Harry feel so safe and welcome” *puke.

Dumbledore’s wife Minerva is the perfect Proverbs 31 wife who prays for food to “magically” appear on the table.

They have a daughter, Hermoine. She is an innocent pretty little girl who cleans up after everyone like good Christian girls should and is not at all obsessed with how pretty she is even though we keep hearing how pretty she is. She also is not strong enough to open heavy doors and cries “ladylike” tears.

Voldemort is more like a politician who doesn’t care about the First Amendment and is trying to keep Christians from practicing their faith freely.

Ronald Weasley prays to a statue and wants to lead Harry astray by worshiping a false religion. Oh and he’s a Slytherin.

The Sorting Hat(s) are chosen by each student. Everyone loves God, but each hat has a different religion that may not all actually lead to salvation.

Luna Lovegood is a Hufflepuff who is a vegan hippie liberal who is all about peace and love.

Draco Malfoy is a Ravenclaw who believes all women are stupid and beneath him. So he’s pretty much the same except we all know he’s a Slytherin.

Severus Snape is the Head Gryffindor who has neatly trimmed dark chest hair.

Dean Thomas is a Griffindor, and he’s intelligent. I know this because she uses that word almost every time he is mentioned…

Now to the story.

Hagrid shows up to rescue Harry just as in the original, but this time he wants to convert Harry to Christianity. “What is a Christian?” Harry asks to which Hagrid replies, “Christians are people who want to be good.” Hagrid leads Harry in the “Sinners Prayer” right then and there. But now Harry needs to learn how to be a Christian so guess where he needs to go? Hogwarts of course. Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles to be exact.

We find out about each of the characters mentioned above and we learn that although Dumbledore is considered a wise man, he may not be so wise as to allow such division in his school. Somehow along the way the Founding Fathers and the Constitution are also mentioned because of course they are. Also, prayer works suspiciously like magic even though this author has cut all of that out. You can pray to God and suddenly be in a different place or have food suddenly appear in front of you. Plus Harry seems to “magically” know verses and doctrine when he didn’t even know what a Christian was. The biggest farce of all is Hermoine’s hair which is referred to as “chocolate-colored, carefully curled tresses.” Sacrilege.

The author says she is trying to shelter her children, but she mentions Sex and the City which seems unnecessary and continuously focuses on keeping women in the kitchen where she believes they belong. This is my problem with her whole story. I don’t care if you want to argue the finer points of Christianity and what she is saying about religions in general. I have heard that stuff my whole life and I’m just not in the mood.

I want to discuss the way she portrays women and their role in society. You do not have to be a feminist to get angry about Harry thinking to himself that Aunt Petunia should be answering the door instead of him because her role is to be as a servant. Here are two examples of what a misogynist she is.

Conversation between Hermoine and Harry:

“‘This is the boys’ dormitory,’ the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. ‘I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal.’

‘I understand,’ Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man’s future wife. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man’s wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet? Man’s laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.”

Or you know, they’re eleven.

Conversation between Draco and Harry:

“‘Please, ignore this fool,’ Draco drawled smugly. ‘Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman; and women are stupid.’

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

‘Women shouldn’t not have careers because women are stupid!’ Harry shouted indignantly. ‘Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!'”

I love how she makes it look like Harry is defending women, and yet we are reminded that women belong in the home as mothers and wives and no where else. I am a mother and a wife, but this kind of teaching makes my blood boil. I cannot get my head around the fact that this kind of teaching is still coming from churches today. In 2014! The fact that Dumbledore is portrayed as southern just furthers my belief that this story has been written by a Southern Baptist. Don’t even get me started.

Now, I know you may be thinking that her story has all been written in jest. Maybe. I would like to hope so. But the truth is that if you have ever been in any kind of Christian circle, you have heard all of this before in one way or another. Ugh. It’s just sickening.

It would be great if Christians, parents, whoever could just start focusing on the real evils and hurts of this world instead of fake evils that mean absolutely nothing. Harry Potter is not going to lead anyone down a path of destruction. It’s going to inspire children and adults to have an imagination and to read more. That’s it. We should be focusing on things like COMPASSION, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, KINDNESS, HELPFULNESS, and RESPECT. There are real problems in our world and focusing on putting women in their place and keeping imagination away from children is just a pathetic waste of anyone’s time.

By the way, it doesn’t look like she is finished writing her version of the story. Be sure to stay tuned for more updates and rants. Oh and I would like to thank this woman who refers to herself as Proudhousewife for giving me a reason to talk about Harry Potter. Seriously. Thank you.

Here is Part 2.

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4 thoughts on “Harry Potter and the Evangelical Clones

  1. Holy crap. I’ve heard many a time how Harry Potter, Magic the Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, etc., are all tools of the devil. But, I had never read a Christian re-write like this. Wow. As for the author’s portrayal of women and so-called women’s roles, I’m with you. I am so surprised that anyone could support such misogyny in today’s day and age. Just… wow.

    Like

    • I was raised almost just like that. At least at my church. It’s so hard to read her version, because I know people really do think like that. It’s funny, but it’s sad too.

      Like

  2. Pingback: Harry Potter and the Evangelical Clones Part 2 | losing my {reli}ginity

  3. Pingback: Harry Potter and the Evangelical Clones Part 3 | losing my {reli}ginity

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