Sweet Relief {How It Continued}

Because I was saved and baptized so young {at the age of 3}, I had a very hard time coming to terms with my salvation. More so as a teen. I heard message after message at my Independent Baptist church how it was important you not just say the words of a prayer to be saved, but you are completely sincere when you do so. I didn’t remember getting saved so I spent years and years wondering and fearing if I did it wrong. As I have mentioned before, when it comes to the Bible and Christianity, I take everything very seriously. I could not wrap my head around the fact that I could not remember what I said or how I felt when I said it.

I don’t blame my parents for this. I’m sure at the time I acted like I understood everything that was going on. But afterward, or at least a few years later, I would not remember any of it. I have very few memories as a three year old. My baptism was one of them {here is that story}. My salvation was not.

Do you know what it feels like to be surrounded by Christians who seem so sure of their salvation while you feel ashamed to even think, let alone mention, that you are not completely sure? I could not bear to tell anyone. Not even my parents. I felt stupid. I felt childish. I felt insecure {story of my life really}.

Finally when I was sixteen, I decided enough was enough. We had an evangelist who came through for a solid week of preaching every night who hit hard on salvation. He preached so strongly and assuredly about it that one night I finally came forward and spoke with someone. She led me through the sinner’s prayer which I had heard thousands of times: “Dear Jesus, I know I’m a sinner. I know that you died for me. I accept your gift and ask you to forgive me of my sins and come into my heart. Thank you for saving me, a sinner.” Something like that anyway. I was a bit embarrassed afterwards, but I found out that two other teens also got saved that night. They both were already “saved” according to them and their families, but it turned out they were not sure either. That must have been some message…


Finally. Sweet, sweet relief. It felt so good to be sure. After all of those years of worry and doubt. I was now finally secure in my faith. No way was I going to end up in Hell. No sir. “Blessed assurance. Jesus is mine. Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine…This is my story. This is my song…”

It’s a terrible feeling to not know. To have Hell hanging over your head. To have doubts and fears that you are on the right path. At the age of 16, I finally had that assurance of my salvation. My ticket to Heaven. I never doubted my salvation again.

Before I turn thirty I will have a different crisis, but that’s for another day…



7 thoughts on “Sweet Relief {How It Continued}

  1. I remember having those same doubts, but I actually voiced mine. Then I kept getting the Hell talk at home until I actively “gave myself to Jesus.” Turns out I got another opportunity at 13 when I got confirmed (Lutherans baptize at birth, so there’s a ceremony to mark how you’re going to agree with what your parents did). Then again during a Carmen concert…

    Come to think of it, I didn’t feel good about being saved until after I stopped regularly going to religious ceremonies.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I had a very similar experience and ended up being baptized again by my own choice around the age of 15. I always felt so strange not remembering how I had become “saved.” My friends all had these emotional stories, but I had nothing. I was taught to believe and attended church from a very early age, so I simply believed. I realized as I got older that not only did I not have a “testimony,” I also lacked a clear explanation for why I believed what I believed.

    Now that my faith has evaporated entirely, I feel much more comfortable. It’s strange, really, but I feel at ease. And, I have a much better grasp on why I stopped believing than why I started.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Baptized as an infant, confirmed at 16, born again at around 20 and a hundred times thereafter, joined every denomination you can think of … and I never felt sure for a moment. I was anxious about it every day for three decades and affected every area of my life.

    Part of it I attribute to OCD (see my Halloween post) but I think any Christian who is 100% certain, given the 30,000 Protestant denominations of people who are ALSO 100% certain, lacks the capacity for logical thought.


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