Harry Potter and the Evangelical Clones Part 3

Proudhousewife, Grace Ann Parson, has written the final chapters of her version of Harry Potter. Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles has finally come to an end. She posted this with her last chapter:

“Author’s Note: Hello, friends! I have some news; and I know that it might be disappointing to the mommies out there. My husband and I had a very long talk last night; and he doesn’t think that posting my writing online and going to classes is a good idea for our family. It was a hard decision for me to accept; but he does know best. I want to thank all of the many righteous believers who have supported me in this little mission of mine; and I hope that this last chapter ties up the loose ends as best as one chapter can.” I can honestly say I’m disappointed. I hate that she is going to stop writing even while I disagree with her approach. Alas, let’s get to the story.

We left off with Harry and Draco battling a duel. What were their weapons? Prayer, of course! Harry won {duh!} and instead of striking Draco down, he prayed that Draco would become a Gryffindor {True Christian, ie the only way to truly be saved and on your way to Heaven}. Now that Draco has been converted {I’m so shocked, aren’t you?}, the focus turns to Voldemort.

But first, here’s a little gem: after Harry won the Pray off, Ronald was impressed. “‘That was amazing,’ Ronald sobbed honestly. ‘How do I be as holy as you?’ Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione exchanged a knowing look. ‘Maybe,’ they suggested, ‘it has something to do with the hat on your head.'” Um…okay…

Voldemort shows up looking all wolf in sheep’s clothing, so at first no one notices. Reverend Dumbledore “stood in front of them protectively and manfully.” Voldemort acts the innocent who is just trying to visit a cousin. Dumbledore responds, “We know all about your plot to illegalize Christianity, Voldemort.” Voldemort insists that it’s all been a joke. He has just been proving how absurd Christianity is by “taking that stereotype to an extreme to point out how ridiculous it is.” He continues to deny all that he has done, and Dumbledore tells the children to “convert him.” Apparently this consists of all of the students yelling things like “You deserve to burn in hell!” and “Debate me on religion!” which I fail to see how that would help at all…

Voldemort walks away unconverted, but the people of Hogwarts will never give up on their neverending quest to convert the eco-friendly, pro women’s rights, Evolutionist, anti-Christian bigots who seek to harm Christianity in all of their forms. While the ending is the best part of this whole story {I mean the ending is actually good, not thank god it’s over…}, there are several things that she never had time to deal with. I truly wish there was more to read.

Soooo…this last chapter was quite genius and if you read it carefully, you will see that this whole parody was indeed a farce. In the end Voldemort pulls out his phone and types “I am a troll” before he walks away. I must say that although I’m disappointed that this was in fact written as satire as I thought it might be, I am glad to know this woman does not actually exist. The joy is short lived though, because we all know someone like Proudhousewife. We all know a woman who can’t make a move without her husband’s direct approval. We all know someone who takes Christianity to the extreme to the point where nothing is acceptable unless it has been covered and smothered by God and his unfailing love and judgement.

That was the whole point of this story. Christians fearing their rights being taken away all the while they are trying to take other’s rights away. Christians obsessing about something like “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” while disregarding other religions and their holidays. Extremism is absurd. It doesn’t matter if you are a Muslim, a Baptist, a Sports enthusiast, or a Trekkie. If you let what you love completely take over your life, there will be nothing left but that. You won’t have a real life. You will hurt the ones you love. You can live with the thing you love, but don’t let it take over your whole life. I know many will disagree with this, but I know plenty of Christians who I can hang out with as an atheist and we can have wonderful conversations. We can laugh, we can tease. But there are some Christians I can’t be in the same room with because they can’t talk of anything else but God. That is fine that you want to be that way. I’m not asking you to not love your faith or your obsession. Just try not to constantly shove it down other people’s throats. There are only so many times I can talk about Harry Potter before my friends shut down. I get it. Not everyone has the same interest or obsession.

Yes, I am comparing your Christianity to my obsession with The Lord of the Rings. To me it is the same thing-ish…  Anything that takes over your life so completely that you can’t talk about anything else is bad. “Sorry. Honey, Daddy can’t come to your ballet recital. I get to go to the Chiefs game.” “Sorry, Son, I can’t watch you build that block tower you are so proud of, Mommy is reading her Bible.” “Sorry, Sweetie, I can’t finger paint with you right now, Mommy is watching Firefly. Again.” You see? Now, I’m not trying to put my obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the same level as your faith in God. I’m just saying that I love what I love, and you love what you love. We have different beliefs. Different perceptions. In the story, it seemed like everyone was trying to convert each other. Let’s simmer down on that a little bit.

If you have yet to see my point, let me make it clear. StOP BEING EXTREME. It is hurting you. It is hurting your cause. I’ll try not to be a douche canoe atheist who reams out Christians every chance I get, and you can try not to be a spirit-filled asshat who can’t see there are people out there who actually need you to help them, not hurt them. Christians, please do me a favor. When you see other Christians behaving like this, can you just say something? Can you stick up for your fellow man? Can you make a difference? Likewise, I will try to do the same, I will encourage my fellow athiests to not start quarrels with Christians every chance they get. I know it’s hard. Sometimes you get worked up about something and you need to vent. I get it. I’m the queen of venting. One more thing, if you want to pray for me. Go ahead. Just stop handing me tracts and trying to convert me. Been there, done that. Threw the t-shirt away. If prayer works as you say it does, that should be enough. And thanks. Thanks for caring. Even if I don’t agree with you, it’s nice to know you care.

 

You can check out my Part 1 and Part 2 if you like. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

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